How to Be a Grownup with Our Parents
The relationship between parents and children is always a hot topic in the therapy room.
How many times does someone walk into my office and say:
“I don’t want to talk about my relationship with my mother- I want to talk about the here and now”.
Or-
“I don’t want to talk about how my parents screwed me up, I have forgiven them- I don't want to dwell on it- I just want to feel better”.
And- I get it.
The belaboring burden of analysis- the remnants of Freud, the idea that our unconscious desire is to be one of our parents, or we are in love with our parents, or that we are forever damaged by our parents- is a reason why many fear doing therapy at all.
But again, there are truths.
Who our parents are (the ones who raised us) shapes us. In the most formative years of our lives, these people, no matter who they are or how many there are, impacted us when we were just becoming individuals.
We take in not only what they tell us to be and what their expectations are, but also who they are.
Parenting is part expectation and part osmosis.
We pass along even the pieces of ourselves that many would prefer not to pass through the generations. We cannot stop biology, nor can we stop nurture, whatever that may look like.
The stories are varied. Some reflect on their childhood and upbringing with joy and nostalgia, while others do so with sadness and a sense of burden, and still others with anger and resentment. All options exist, and even more frequently, some combination of those feelings exists.
One of the questions I play with is, how do we get free or grow into our relationships with our parents?
For those with parents still here, the answer is different than for those whose parents are not. But playing with this concept in both ways is possible.
We tend to hold our parents to a certain standard.
A belief that they could or should have done better by us. Or perhaps they were too over-protective, too anxious, or too absent? Too harsh or too soft? However, what is hardest for many adult children is thinking of their relationships with their parents as malleable.
For whatever reason, so many of us believe it is fixed and unchangeable.
But the truth is that in many ways, this relationship can heal and change. Like all relationships, we just need to approach it as a relationship capable of evolution.
The key is to begin noticing your own triggers.
When you are with a parent, or thinking about one, what activates you and makes you think like a teenager? That edge of irritation you feel, or absolute lack of patience and understanding that only occurs with your parents?
Lean into that feeling.
Understand it.
Underneath is most likely a feeling inside of you. An experience from your childhood that made you feel resentment and anger. Use the feeling of impatience as a cue that you have some unfinished emotional work.
Then look to your parent and say:
“Mom- I am finding this really difficult- and I feel like I am 15- can we talk about something different?”
Or:
“Dad- I know you want to talk about me finding a job, but I feel about 13 years old- and I want to answer like I am 13- let’s change the topic for now.”
These types of interventions will reshape the dynamic. Notice the language - it is not “Dad- I’m not 13, leave me alone”; it is “Dad, this makes me feel like I am about 13- can we talk about something different?” It is a gentle redirection and an opening.
Most likely, your parents are simply looking for ways to connect with you, but they are using the tools they have left over from when you were young.
You are an adult now, and in many ways, they do not have the tools to connect with you as a grown-up. Just like any new relationship, teach them.
Say:
“You know- I am pretty good these days- I appreciate the advice- but how are things with you?”.
You know with such clarity that you are not the person you were when you were 13, but guess what-they don’t really know this version of you. They know the younger version - as the statistic states, you have spent 90% of the time you have with your child by the time they are 18 (gut punch for younger parents).
This grown-up version of you is unfamiliar to your parents. There is no reason to believe that you cannot be real, direct, and even firm about your needs. But do it in a way that lets them know you are doing it to deepen your relationship with them, not end it.
If your parents are no longer here, and old resentments remain, you have the opportunity to think about what their life was like now that you are an adult. The struggles they faced, the worries, the wins, and the losses. Seeing the world through their lens can allow you to let go of old issues, as well as understand perhaps why you are doing things very differently.
The importance of this work, even though it is hard, is the inherent power of the people who raised us.
Our family of origin is one of the only things that we have one of; there are no do-overs. We may have multiple careers, spouses, houses, and just about anything else, but we only have one version of the people who formed us. It is heavy to carry a relationship filled with old patterns into our future.
If we can find a new relationship within the old structure of the parent-child bond, the reward is multifold.
You get to have a grown-up relationship with the people who love you unconditionally.
You develop an appreciation for what was happening when you were young through the eyes of the grown-ups.
You can find a new rhythm, different things to talk about, and the deepest of wisdom, found only by those who have had so many journeys around the sun.
Allow this to become an old/new relationship to thread through your bones.
We only get one- let’s lean in, not away.
Get to Know
Dr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.