Am I Dealing With a Narcissist?
The term narcissism is often thrown around too casually. We tend to label people narcissists when they appear selfish or overly absorbed in their own world. Yes, these traits can be frustrating and difficult, but being selfish or even intensely self-focused does not automatically make someone a narcissist.
Self-absorbed people often battle their own internal anxieties and insecurities. Yet they can also empathize, love, grow, and change.
They have real flaws, but they are real people.
True narcissism, particularly malignant narcissism, is something entirely different and profoundly destructive. It can be so all-encompassing that it feels suffocating.
Malignant narcissists function much like parasites—they latch onto empathic, compassionate hosts.
With alarming precision, they identify vulnerabilities and exploit them relentlessly. They are cunning, manipulative, and skilled at draining the life out of others.
Often, their targets are the "super-empaths," those who genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people and think they can help anyone overcome their struggles.
Yet, the fundamental drive of a narcissist is their emptiness, fueled by a deep sense of entitlement and perceived wrongs.
They continuously take to fill their void, though nothing ever seems enough.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. People can exhibit "narcissistic features"—traits of selfishness or limited empathy—but these can coexist alongside genuine kindness. At the extreme end is malignant narcissism, characterized by deception, exploitation, and a profound emptiness that is bottomless and irreparable.
How do you know if you're dealing with real narcissism rather than mere self-absorption? Reflect inward:
How do you feel when you're with this person?
Do their emotions and sensitivities dominate your interactions?
Do their responses leave you frequently confused or unsettled?
Do you find yourself constantly putting your needs aside for theirs?
Are you engulfed by their demands, feeling as if you’re sinking?
Do you perpetually wait for changes that never occur?
Crucially, do you ever genuinely feel loved or valued for who you truly are?
You can't outwork or transform a narcissist, no matter your effort or dedication.
My advice to my patients—and to anyone in a relationship with a true narcissist—is to walk away.
Leaving them strips them of their power. Eventually, when the dust settles, you'll realize you don't genuinely miss them; you miss the illusion they created.
Go slow. Be patient. I often say, add sunshine and water and the roots will strengthen and the flowers will bloom.
Give yourself the care you have been wanting- you deserve it.
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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