Fill the Void, Not the Hours

Oct 1

So much has been written about the phase of life when your children are grown and leave the house. Empty nesting, free-birding, whatever it feels like for you. I've watched this phase from afar for years, and now it's upon me. My friends and so many people I love are in the thick of it.

I hear about the stillness of the house when the clock strikes three. The pervasive loneliness. These are lives that have always been filled with carpools, games, tutors, chatter, drama, and everything in between. Now the quiet is dense and daunting.

So the questions swirl around me. What's next? Do we hunker down and wait for the next event to plan? The weddings? Do we live from parents' weekend to parents' weekend, internship to first apartment? Are we ultimately just waiting for the children who became our entire lives to bring the grandchildren who are on deck?

I feel fortunate as I enter this transition. There were times I felt less lucky, juggling motherhood with work I felt passionately about. It was hard, and I often felt stretched too thin. But I built a career that let me prioritize being a mom while still feeling fulfilled professionally. From that seat, I can share what I believe will make this phase not scary and empty, but a new and unexpected gift.

I think a massive reframe is in order.

Instead of fearing the quiet and the afternoons spinning into evenings, see this as a new life. A next chapter that lets you step into this version of you. The version who no longer has to worry about finding a partner, the biological clock, or the questioning of your twenties. The version who can channel who you were before you had to worry about anyone but yourself. The part of you that has finally checked the boxes: Building a life? Check. Raising kids? Check. Facing the unknown? Check.

Now…what about you?

Before we get to the how, one important thing: men are feeling this loss too. Recently I watched a clip of Jon Stewart asking Michelle Obama whether she misses her children's schedule: the rhythm, the certainty, the cadence of life. Her answer was epic. She spoke about the joy of finally having her own schedule, the freedom of not worrying on Friday nights, and being able to show up for herself.

But what was clear to me is that men are mourning the leaving too. It just shows up differently. I think part of them feels untethered and without purpose, missing the anchor of children who set their clocks and weekend plans. Their kids' social circles easily shaped their dinners. There was always someone to watch a game with or a homework question to answer. Sports, teachers, friend groups, and community offered easy common ground, no effort required. This is a loss, and it's okay to grieve it.

I believe the very first step in this next phase is community. The biggest part of loneliness is feeling alone. So let's start the process. Let's start talking. Look at the people around you. Are they feeling what you're feeling? The more you talk and connect, the more revived, fulfilled, and sustained you'll feel.

Don’t focus on filling the hours; focus on filling the void.

Finding something to pass the time won't do the trick. The real work is finding something that excites you, something that feels meaningful. That doesn't mean saving the world or doing something objectively profound. It means doing something that feels profound to you. What if you slowed down and noticed what captures your attention?

For me, it was writing. For years I worked in eating disorders, keeping what I learned within the confines of the therapy room. The same themes came up again and again: the food rules, the rigidity, the treatment plans. So I started putting it on the page. Before I knew it was going to be an actual book, I wrote what I saw every day and what I knew to be true. It made me feel alive, and it became my book, No More Food Noise. None of it filled my hours. It filled something much deeper. It gave me a new sense of purpose and deeper meaning in my work and my life.

For the first time in a long time, you now have freedom. You have time. Remember spending hours on the phone with friends, or just "hanging out" as a teenager or college student? It was in that downtime that you figured out who you were and what you wanted your life to look like. You get to do that again now, with the comfort of having finished the life-building: the kids, the big questions. You have the power of freedom, with some very hard and rewarding things already behind you.

So the next chapter awaits. Here's where to start:

Reframe. Freedom, not loneliness. Opportunity, not an ending.
Find your community. Loneliness comes from being alone.
Fill the void, not the hours. Look for meaning, not just ways to pass the time.
Reconnect with yourself. Remember the version of you who knew exactly what to do each morning, because you filled your days with your wants, not your shoulds.

Tell me what you think in the comments. If you're already a free bird, what helped you connect with your freedom?

xxx, Dr. D

Get to Know

Dr. Danielle Shelov

Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.