Have You Forgiven Yourself?
This summer, a friend and I were talking about the purpose of psychedelic journeys- the depth of the work, the unflinching honesty they demand.
In the middle of it, he asked me: “So, have you forgiven yourself?”
I laughed. “For what?”
We both laughed and moved on. But something about the tail of that conversation has stayed with me.
I talk about self-compassion often.
I know it is a key to psychological health, and one of the most critical pieces of happiness. Still, I began to notice the little ways I can be unkind to myself:
for bad decisions
for not keeping up with friendships
for moving too quickly
for saying things I regret.
Yikes. I am a tough crowd.
Then I thought about the bandwidth I allow for others. How often I try to give people the space they need, assume that life is not easy, and that most of us are simply doing our best.
Judgment is one of the worst feelings to carry from someone else, and it is just as terrible when we turn it inward.
That conversation reminded me that self-forgiveness is not only about the big events- the things you regret deeply or that change the blueprint of your life. More often, it is about the everyday moments.
The small things that get bigger in the middle of the night.
Sleeping through an alarm.
Missing a birthday.
Feeling embarrassed for believing something you later learned was not true.
Self-compassion and forgiveness mean holding on to a deeper truth: that beneath all the small misses, your intention was really for good.
You wanted to be more present.
You wanted to do better.
You wanted to keep pace with it all.
You wish, you wish, you wish.
But the answer, truly, is about letting go. We cannot wish for another try at something already done. We can only offer ourselves the same grace and kindness we extend to others.
We learn the most from our hardships and our wrong steps, but part of that learning must be acknowledging our humanity.
Believing in our intention. Having empathy for ourselves in the missteps. Not just moving forward and forgetting, but pausing, noticing, forgiving.
So take this in-and toss it around in your mind.
Notice if your instinct, as mine was, is to dismiss it.
Instead, look for it in the everyday, in-between moments. Talk to yourself as you would to someone you love. Give yourself a break. Trust your intention.
And let this season be about letting go.
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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