Holiday Sanity
It’s the most wonderful time of year. Right???
Theoretically, it’s magical, festive, and filled with tradition. People start talking about it the day after Halloween:
“What are you doing for the holidays?”
“Are you hosting?”
“Are you traveling?”
Regardless of religion or faith, November and December carry a ritualistic weight for almost everyone. And even more so, it’s the time when our extended families gather. For some, it’s the only moment in the year when everyone comes together — bringing their chaos, their stories, their good years, and their hard years. Everyone arrives with whatever life has handed them.
Journeys always bring big feelings. Some years it’s exciting: Wow, I miss my family. I’m looking forward to being together. And some years it’s daunting.
Shit. I do not want to deal with my dad, mom, brother-in-law… (insert your personal complex family member here).
It’s that non-negotiable regression back to our 12-year-old selves—the fast, instinctive return to old family dynamics we thought we'd outgrown.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is getting a lot of buzz right now. After my year of training in the psychedelic world, IFS has become a much bigger part of my therapeutic work.
To summarize quickly (and if it intrigues you, Google it or ask ChatGPT — it’s everywhere): IFS teaches us that we’re made up of different parts we unconsciously developed to keep us safe.
These parts formed in response to our history and our environments. They’re here to protect us, but sometimes they interfere with intimacy, regulation, and relationships.
One example is the Firefighter.
In IFS, Firefighters are the parts of us that rush in the moment we feel overwhelmed, triggered, or too close to emotional pain. Their job is emergency management — they “put out the fire” of unbearable feelings as fast as possible, often through impulsive or numbing behaviors like overeating, restricting, drinking, overworking, rage, or shutting down.
Their methods can look chaotic or self-destructive, but Firefighters are actually desperate protectors trying to save us from emotions they believe would be too much to handle. They learned early that big feelings were dangerous, so they react instantly to keep us safe.
The goal of IFS is to recognize these parts — not resent them, not shame them — but appreciate them. And at the same time, to understand that we don’t have to be overtaken by them. We can notice a part without becoming it.
So — we all have different parts with different jobs. They activate in reaction to our surroundings, especially during the holidays, when old patterns collide with current reality. But here’s the helpful piece: instead of letting a part fully take over, you can witness it.
You can notice, Oh wow, I’m being totally triggered right now. Then take a walk, phone a friend, find your safe person, take a breath.
Say to yourself:
I feel 13 again.
Or, talking to this person makes me defensive.
Or, why do I want to drink 100 drinks the moment they walk into the room?
These are real responses to parts that are lighting up — but remember: the danger is gone. There is no actual threat. It’s just a holiday. Everyone is bringing their own debris, their own complexity, their own fragile humanity.
Don’t get hijacked by your 13-year-old self.
Stay grounded.
Find your people.
Acknowledge the fierce protector inside you who wants to keep you safe, and gently remind that part: I’ve got this. I don’t need you to fight for me right now. You can feel the feelings. They will move through you. And you can return your attention to the good — the reason you chose to show up in the first place: This is my family. Parts of it make me feel loved and at home.
This whole year, thematically, has been about choices for me.
The idea that staying stuck, living a life that feels inauthentic, overworking without knowing why, or searching for meaning in the world — all of these experiences come down to choice. We can choose to do things differently.
We can return to work if we’ve stayed at home to raise our children. We can leave a marriage, enter a marriage, stop drinking, start therapy — whatever the thing is that calls to us but scares us.
No one else lives in your skin. You do. If you have a wild ambition to start a company, or a fantasy of selling your house to live in a van and travel the world — can you create a life where that becomes possible?
So how does all of this relate to the holidays? Because we can choose how we do them.
💫 If arriving at noon fills you with dread — show up at 3.
💫 If you want to host instead of being the guest — offer to host next year.
💫 If you feel triggered — laugh at the predictability of it.
💫 Thank the part of you that’s trying to protect you.
And remind yourself: I am safe. These hard feelings won’t kill me. They will pass.
You are everything you already are — and everything you are becoming.
You are in the driver’s seat.
Buckle up.
Xxx- Dr.D
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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