Narcissistic Bootcamp Level 1
I have been recommending a book about narcissism- one of my best friends, and also a colleague, told me about it: It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula, PhD.
This book is what I’ve come to think of as Narcissistic Bootcamp. I have begun recommending it to my patients- and the universal gratitude for this book is unprecedented.
Why?
What is it about this book and this perspective that is so unique- and for victims, so validating?
The way in which narcissists wreak havoc in people’s lives and insinuate themselves in other people’s nervous systems may be one of the most under-realized issues in humankind.
Once people start talking about it, you realize that almost everyone has a narcissistic sibling who dictated the sanctity of their household growing up, a narcissistic mother who formed their attachment system and wired them to be on high alert, or a narcissistic partner who does just enough to keep them- but in the process takes every opportunity to knock them down and control them.
The thing is, once you get turned on to the narcissists around you, you can’t unsee it.
What makes Dr. Ramani unique- what’s extraordinary about her- is that she finally focuses on the victims of narcissistic abuse.
She explores the fact that our society is geared toward “understanding the narcissist,” and in doing so, we neglect and invalidate the experience of those on the receiving end.
Ramani opens her book with a proverb:
Until the story of the hunt is told by the lion, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.
She says it exquisitely: “Until now, we have only told the story of the hunter. Books about narcissism tend to talk about narcissists- we glorify people with these personality styles. They are our leaders, heroes, entertainers, and celebrities… yet they are also our parents, partners, friends, siblings, children, bosses, and neighbors”.
She guides us to the really important questions:
What happens to the people in the wake of the narcissist?
What happens to those who have been forced to question their own reality, organize their lives around keeping the peace, and learn to navigate gaslighting and constant emotional quicksand?
Ramani makes it clear that we’ve lost sight of the real victims- those who’ve spent their lives walking on eggshells, minimizing their needs, rationalizing, and explaining away the abusive behavior inflicted by the narcissist in their lives.
Her most powerful line, and the title of the book, is clarifying and grounding: It’s Not You.
In my own work, I think about couples or individuals where I may have underestimated the true emotional hijacking of a narcissistic victim. Perhaps I doubled down on trying to understand the background of the narcissist- validating their childhood trauma, believing that if we could heal them, then the relationship itself would heal. I have long believed that we must heal the original wound so that they can show up in a loving way in their relationships.
Yet what I sometimes missed was the extent of the damage done to their victims.
By focusing on the hunter, I’m not sure I always took good enough care of the hunted- the people who most profoundly need our empathy, support, validation, and strength.
Information is power.
And if this post turns on a light somewhere in your mind- or if you find yourself tilting your head, becoming curious about certain relationships in your life- let me share some pro tips. I’m not going to focus on the traits of a narcissist; we’ve given them enough airtime.
Let’s focus instead on the experience of their victims—on those who so desperately need our care and attention.
Stay Tuned for the Next Post in This Series: The Phases of Narcissistic Abuse.
If you found this helpful, like and follow- and buy the book.
It’s Not You is a game-changer.
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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