The First Lasts

This summer was both short and long.

A transition summer.

As someone who loves warm weather and feels instantly uplifted when the temperature rises, it feels odd to be this excited for fall.

This next year is a big one for me. My youngest son will be a senior in HS this year. I am already beginning to count the first lasts. The first last night before pre-season, the first last night before school begins. The list goes on.

It is one of those rare times when we get acutely aware of the last time we will do things.

Often the final time is unceremonious. Completed without the awareness that it was the final time. The last time we bathed our kids. The last time we read them a book, the last time we buckled them in their car seats.

I try not to get bogged down in the nostalgia of it- because it can be overwhelming.

But the moments I notice it I feel the emotion, and the magnitude of its depth.

I am skilled at managing my nostalgia. I often manage it by looking to the next thing. To get hooked by the excitement of what is to come as opposed to mourning the past.

I believe that what is ideal for me is to gently balance between two things as we stand on the tightrope of time.

We must appreciate the moments as they occur and feel them deeply, while also feeling the anticipation of what is to come. We can do both.

My friend wrote to me the other night: enjoy every minute of this year- it goes by faster than an F1 race. My internal response was a light switch going on. The conscious appreciation of time needed to begin at that moment. That friend always has the gift of alerting me to when a change is on the horizon. I'm so grateful for the heads-up. Every time.

But simultaneously I think about the beauty of the phases.

My older son, now a junior in college; I just love the phase he is in.

The new adulthood, the confidence.

The conversations with him that are becoming more and more like a peer than a son. His opinion matters to me in a way that I was not prepared for.

It is as if, once our children grow up, we have new voices in our corner. New perspectives that we trust- in the same way we do our parents, siblings or close friends.

My drive back to school with him was a natural flow of conversation that has stayed with me. As he sat in the front seat, a million miles away from the buckled car seat in the back, he asked me how I feel about my book coming out this year. What I was excited about.

We talked about his term abroad and all things he was looking forward to. We seemed to hit every topic — light, heavy — with ease and comfort.

The clarity came over me that this is the phase when our children become people, and by definition, because they are our children, they are our new teammates.

As I talk to my two children who are becoming men, about trips we may plan, or things we can do together, or what I think about their job choices, I revel in how exciting it is to enter this next era with full-grown human beings.

Not ones who necessarily need everything from me, but are now also capable of giving. Of course, the role of mother remains at the center for me, but their needs are so different and require an entirely separate set of skills.

The shared values and language that families develop over time feels very different when kids grow up and we witness them use their moral compass in the real world.

So this year I stand on my tightrope.

Accumulating the nostalgia of all of my lasts as I watch my youngest enter that last phase of being under my roof. Knowing that at the end of this year that separation moment will occur when you suddenly are driving each other crazy, and you ultimately say the words “it’s time for him to go to college”.

Yet, I still have the comfort of the next phase.

The excitement that the next stage will be different and exciting. He will become a different version of himself, which will change and deepen our dynamic further. So I maintain my balance- trying to stay steady.

Allowing myself to steep in our lasts and feeling excitement for the future.

Simply allowing two things to be true at once and having capacity and awareness for both.

So tell me….what tightrope are you on?

What two things are true for you?

xxxx-

Dr. D

No results found

Get to Know

Dr. Danielle Shelov

Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.

---

You Might Also Like