Keep Your Head Over Your Feet

Jul 29

I was struck, watching Project Hail Mary, that there was no significant romantic relationship pulling Ryan Gosling's character back to Earth. It's one of the few films I can remember where the journey home wasn't propelled by romantic love. Friendship — with Rocky — is what drove him.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it — because it's such an exception.

We anchor almost everything we do around finding our partner, our "mate." The Odyssey. Romeo and Juliet. Every beloved book and fable throughout time.

As my friend's daughter put it after watching The Odyssey: True love conquers all.

It made me wonder — what is it inside of us that tethers us to that ideal?

This universal belief that seems to knit humanity together.

The dating apps. The matchmakers. The reservations for two. The belief that we'll be completed when we find our other half? Is it that we believe we're stronger as two than as one? That life simply gets lonely, and we've built a world for pairs — someone to do things with, to unpack the day with?

Or is it older than that, evolutionary, the plain fact that we're safer in numbers than alone? Probably some combination of all three.

Yet, as I watch my patients in their late twenties — choked by imposed timelines and the sense that they're already running out of time — I feel a tightness in my chest.

The relentless experience of wanting to find your person while the train seems to always be leaving the station, Monday morning after Monday morning.

I saw a reel that called this late-twenties stretch the splinter era. The moment when, in the space of two years, you go from hanging out with your friends all the time to watching those same friends scatter — single, engaged, newly married, maybe pregnant.

In the blink of an eye, everyone is doing something different, and you feel lost and behind, though it's never clear what, exactly, you're behind on.

This is that same idea, the fantasy of being completed by another person, the pull toward the pair, the belief that finding that person will solve everything.

It takes time to see that resolution and completion with ourselves first is the key to finding a true partner.

Here's what I've witnessed most, across years of working with people — the thing that will help ground you when you feel overwhelmed or uncertain.

I often say to my patients — and to myself — "Keep your eyes forward, but have your head firmly over your feet." We tend to let our minds move far beyond our feet. We let the fantasy of our future selves crowd out our reality, without first letting reality be — well — real. Allow yourself to look forward, to have dreams and goals, to see the future and know what you want. But keep your mind in the present, in the here and now.

Don't allow your current reality to be hijacked by your dreams.

Stay in the moment, not in the next imaginary phase. Taking your time will only serve you. This doesn't mean avoiding risk. It means going slowly enough that your mind and your body move forward together. Be wary of love-bombing. Be wary of urgency. Why are you in such a rush to get to the next moment? The only way to know what the next moment will be is to honor the one you're in right now.

Allow yourself to assess how this person makes you feel. Notice how they respond to you, and how they operate in the world. And notice who and how you are with them. Do you feel good? Do you feel like yourself? Or does everything feel engineered to manufacture a response? Are you saying what you actually need and want — and can the other person take it in and respond in a way that honors who they are and, more importantly, honors you?

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm certain that true love means finding someone who covers all 26.2 miles, not just 13.1.

Which means slow and steady. Understanding and appreciative. Someone who allows you to be who you are.

Keep your head directly over your feet, eyes forward, just so you don't get ahead of yourself.

That said — don't drag your feet either. You deserve love. Just take your time, so you honor who you are.

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Dr. Danielle Shelov

Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.