Why Can't We Take Our Own Advice?

Apr 13

Written By Danielle Shelov

Years bring us wisdom. A sense of knowing.

A deep belief in who we are, and a profound sense of what we believe.

Yet, the years can often bring submission.

A quiet acceptance of keeping the peace.

Managing our expectations — and not demanding for ourselves what we know we were meant to have.

There is a phenomenon that happens as women grow into their lives. Being a therapist for women from 15 to 75 means I have access to all phases of life simultaneously.

In one day, I can be sitting with the excitement of getting into college, to the enthusiasm of having grandchildren. It is a perspective that allows me to see deeply how women both change and stay exactly the same over their lifetimes.

There are infinite ways in which women grow and blossom. We have more agency; we know what we like and don't like, and we let the high school cafeteria culture drop away from our social systems. But there is something I also notice.

There is an instinctive sense of right and wrong in my younger patients, a demand for being treated a certain way, a tenacity towards love and being loved well, that can evaporate with the years.

I am often left with the sense: Why Can't We Take Our Own Advice?

We go from asking for what we want to lamenting what we should have done differently. We go from feeling assertive to shrugging our shoulders and saying, "It's not worth the fight."

How often do I hear — "I'll try, but he won't change," or "I need to think of a way to say that, that won't upset him."

Even more, I hear the undercurrent.

If I could give my younger self some advice, I would make sure I was with a partner who would take care of me emotionally.

I would make sure that I was with someone who didn't expect me to do everything. I would make sure I didn't have to work so hard to keep everything running smoothly — and to take on the emotional load of our relationship.

Why is it that the years are not bringing us agency and advocacy, but instead creating submission and acquiescence? There is wisdom in this conflict — for both those who have grown quiet and those who have not yet learned to be.

For those of us who have grown quiet:

Does your younger self deserve more than your current self?

Does this current version of you, who has some more life under her belt, has learned that stress accompanies life, and realized that the grass is not always greener, deserve to have less of a voice?

When we think about what we would encourage our younger selves to think about, why can't we also encourage our current selves to advocate for it too?

Yes, I know at times it is not worth the fight, but is there a way to state it as a need and a want?

To sit down with your partner, and say without blame: “I feel overwhelmed and unhappy.”

In most partnerships, I believe there was a time when needs were met better, when there was not an instinctive sense of defeat, but a desire to show love and affection. Can you even say — I don't want to fight, but I feel lonely in this marriage and in this life?

When we choose to accept unhappiness and dissatisfaction as the baseline, we resign ourselves to a life colored by that.

We find a way to say "I love my kids, and they are worth everything — so not feeling fulfilled in my marriage is the cost." I am challenging those who have accepted this fate to take a moment.

To reconnect with their younger selves.

To remember what it felt like to feel the passion from your partner. And I want to say directly — you can have both.

You can have a world where you have children and your partner is good to you. One does not have to come at the expense of the other.

By going silent, you drop what may be the most important version of yourself. The self that you tell your children to never stop holding onto, which is that they deserve love.

They deserve someone who loves them the way they love. They deserve someone who sees them. Who loves their quirks, applauds their efforts, and laughs at their craziness. Someone who is kind.

You deserve to take your own advice.

To my younger women, I'll keep it brief:

Keep it up. I have been a psychologist for 20 years. I have never seen women so articulate and emphatic about what they want and what they need. There is a tenacity to young women these days that I admire. A commitment to being seen and heard, and to not settling for less. Bravo.

But I also hear your worries and fears. The what ifs.
What if I never meet my partner?
What if I am the one playing musical chairs and I don't have a chair to sit in?
What if by not settling, I lose my opportunity to have kids and a family?

I hear those worries and those fears. I also want to say — the person you marry will also be the person you are married to.

There will be compromises you are forced to make, because relationships are about compromise. But do not allow the way your partner treats you to be one of the things you sacrifice. That one thing predicts all others.

Make sure you are loved well.

I have an exercise for you. Grab a pen and a notebook. Let's put this in actual writing — so we have it forever. Make a list of the things you want in a partner. Be thoughtful.

Keep that list.

And when you are in a relationship — look at it. Does your partner reflect a good portion of that list?

Put that list away and save it. Make sure you have it available for the older version of yourself — so you can get your own advice when you need it most.

These two versions of you are the most important things in your life. Your older self and your younger self are who you are. You are the through line.

Make sure you always take your own advice.

It is never too late.

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Dr. Danielle Shelov

Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.